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When God says He Will Provide

Excited yet anxiety so far..

I have been 2 years at work and afterwards I want to apply my dream scholarship ever in UK, it's Chevening.

I prayed in that time to God. I wanted to work first before get a chance to study master degree. And now, He gave me what I want and beyond. He gave more than I asked, but I cannot deal with these problems and overwhelmed.

I left my first job in last December 2017 to decide my selfishness determination. After that, I can focus on this scholarship and I will prepare for the another scholarship, LPDP.

However, all my plan got ruined.

We plan to, but God has His execution.

I unemployed for about 2 months with anxiety and Mum's murmuring.

I thought it was inconstant distractions, but it gained a monster worries inside my mind and soul.

Because of financial matters, I finally looking a job (AGAIN) to stimulate our daily need. Pay bills, church-needs and more. I am working because of MONEY. I neglected the brain-skills and choose the muscle-skills. 

I am tired everyday.

I cannot prepare my IELTS test because of my tiredness. I cannot wake up every day at 2 AM, I always overslept.

And now, I REGRET.

I continue to be feeling the pain and sorrow.

I am feeling rejected and ignored by God.

I have disinterest with God's words from late 2017. Actually, I am feeling sad when I lost my Dad but I kept struggling to have an intimate relationship with Him.

But day by day, feeling ups and downs, pain and hurt, I have desired not to work. 

I do not know exactly what my Mum feels, even hurt.

I will maintain this job until next July 6th 2018. I am booming, cannot stand anymore.

Sometimes, I lost God. He did not hear me anymore

My life goes round and round.

I cannot become more valuable women.

I am useless.

I do not know what's His plan for me.

I reached my limit.

My tears is dry.

I am not passionate anymore.

I am failed to become His faithful servant.

I learn from Job and his suffering, In result, I cannot get more closer to You, in fact I give up, Lord.

What are you doing with me oh God?

I am still wanting to live my life for You, but I cannot run and finish this race

How can I reach Your Hand?

Living in Your harmonize again

How can I say. You are my Shelter again oh God?

Feeling comfortable under Your grace and automatize flee to You when I am in bad and joyful life.

How can I have faith and believe You are next to me oh God?

Feeling blesses and secures every single time.

Help me to see You again, oh Lord to live up to Your promises.

I am still waiting, and need Your help..

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